tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
