Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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