if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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