You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
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And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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