now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
