Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
