I'm jealous of your bromance
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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