I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
