How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
