im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
