If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize