If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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