I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
