I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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