sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
