My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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