Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
