Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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