True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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