Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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