I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
