i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
