was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
