i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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