wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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