Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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