I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
