1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
