There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
