I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
