I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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