yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
