You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you traded sex for a burrito?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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