Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
