I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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