so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
