Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
