i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
