if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
