Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
