She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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