Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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