I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
