so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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