I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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