and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
