this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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