I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.