I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
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I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?