were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.