I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been