Swine flu is the new snow day.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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