Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
