stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
