im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
