I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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