paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
