Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
