I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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