its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
